| The Internet Wiretap 1st Online Edition of THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY by
AMBROSE BIERCE Copyright 1911 by Albert and Charles Boni, Inc. A Public Domain Text,
Copyright Expired Released April 15 1993 Entered by Aloysius of &tSftDotIotE
aloysius@west.darkside.com PREFACE _The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper in
1881, and was continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that year a
large part of it was published in covers with the title _The Cynic's Word Book_, a name
which the author had not the power to reject or happiness to approve. To quote the
publishers of the present work: "This more reverent title had previously been forced
upon him by the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work had
appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out in covers the country already
had been flooded by its imitators with a score of 'cynic' books -- _The Cynic's This_,
_The Cynic's That_, and _The Cynic's t'Other_. Most of these books were merely stupid,
though some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they brought the word
'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing it was discredited in advance of
publication." Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country had
helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, and many of its
definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more or less current in popular
speech. This explanation is made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple
denial of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely resuming his own
the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom the work is addressed --
enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and
clean English to slang. A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the book
is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of whom is that learned
and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To
Father Jape's kindly encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly
indebted. A.B. A ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of
wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer.
ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the
rubbish inside. ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high
temperature of the throne. Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication Set all tongues wagging
in the Spanish nation. For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: She wisely left a
throne too hot to hold her. To History she'll be no royal riddle -- Merely a plain parched
pea that jumped the griddle. G.J. ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose
worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith
commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted
and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know
not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race would become
graminivorous. ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the
meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is
commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this
impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn. ABNORMAL, adj.
Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be
abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a
striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.
Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.
ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered
country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize. ABRACADABRA. By _Abracadabra_ we
signify An infinite number of things. 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? And
Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to
all who grope in night, Crying for Wisdom's holy light. Whether the word is a verb or a
noun Is knowledge beyond my reach. I only know that 'tis handed down. From sage to sage,
From age to age -- An immortal part of speech! Of an ancient man the tale is told That he
lived to be ten centuries old, In a cave on a mountain side. (True, he finally died.) The
fame of his wisdom filled the land, For his head was bald, and you'll understand His beard
was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright. Philosophers gathered from far and near
To sit at his feat and hear and hear, Though he never was heard To utter a word But
"_Abracadabra, abracadab_, _Abracada, abracad_, _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_"
'Twas all he had, 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each Made copious notes of the
mystical speech, Which they published next -- A trickle of text In the meadow of
commentary. Mighty big books were these, In a number, as leaves of trees; In learning,
remarkably -- very! He's dead, As I said, And the books of the sages have perished, But
his wisdom is sacredly cherished. In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings, Like an ancient bell
that forever swings. O, I love to hear That word make clear Humanity's General Sense of
Things. Jamrach Holobom ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten. When in the course of human events it
becomes necessary for people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of
mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
Oliver Cromwell ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- shot
and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel
Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas that they were "concatenated
without abruption." ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly
with the property of another. Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; The trees
are leaving and cashiers abscond. Phela Orm ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth
of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and
affection of another. To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what
form he wears? But woman's body is the woman. O, Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never
go, But heed the warning words the sage hath said: A woman absent is a woman dead. Jogo
Tyree ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself
from the sphere of exaction. ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute
monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the
assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by
limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly
curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance. ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who
yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who
abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of
others. Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought You a total abstainer, my
son." "So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught -- "But not, sir,
a bigoted one." G.J. ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with
one's own opinion. ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were
taught. ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught. ACCIDENT, n.
An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws. ACCOMPLICE, n. One
associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney
who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the
matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a
fee for assenting. ACCORD, n. Harmony. ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the
sentiments of an assassin. ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution. "My
accountability, bear in mind," Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes," Said the
Shah: "I do -- 'tis the only kind Of ability you possess." Joram Tate ACCUSE,
v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves
for having wronged him. ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who
absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to
him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville. ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of
endeavor and the birth of disgust. ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one
another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. ACQUAINTANCE, n. A
person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree
of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is
rich or famous. ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly. ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.
ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.
ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the
other expenses of living. ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he
expects to get. ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to
receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against
bad-egging and dead-catting. ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking
while the figure-head does the thinking. ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of
another's resemblance to ourselves. ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe.
Friendly warning. Consigned by way of admonition, His soul forever to perdition. Judibras
ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly. ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin. "The man
was in such deep distress," Said Tom, "that I could do no less Than give him
good advice." Said Jim: "If less could have been done for him I know you well
enough, my son, To know that's what you would have done." Jebel Jocordy AFFIANCED,
pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain. AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing
process preparing the soul for another and bitter world. AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes
our way. AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still
cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit. AGITATOR, n. A
statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors -- to dislodge the worms. AIM, n.
The task we set our wishes to. "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" She tenderly
inquired. "An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife; The fact is -- I have fired." G.J.
AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the
poor. ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of
open marauding. ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state. ALLAH, n. The
Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth.
Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, And ever for the sins of man have wept; And
sometimes kneeling in the temple I Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. Junker
Barlow ALLEGIANCE, n. This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, Is a ring fitted in the
subject's nose, Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness of the
Lord's anointed. G.J. ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who
have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately
plunder a third. ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the
crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus says the Indus is, with one
exception, the only river that produces crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and
grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a
sawrian. ALONE, adj. In bad company. In contact, lo! the flint and steel, By spark and
flame, the thought reveal That he the metal, she the stone, Had cherished secretly alone.
Booley Fito ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the small
intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for
the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their
liberty and peace by a male and a female tool. They stood before the altar and supplied
The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will
claim An offering burnt with an unholy flame. M.P. Nopput AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick
with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be
vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. AMNESTY, n. The
state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. ANOINT,
v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. As
sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.
Judibras ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. APHORISM, n.
Predigested wisdom. The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain,
And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism. "The Mad
Philosopher," 1697 APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.
APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the
creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh
turtle. APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave
worm's provider. When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, And Mercury conveyed them
in a jar, That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth Disease for the apothecary's
health, Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: "My deadliest drug shall bear my
patron's name!" G.J. APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another
throw. APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the
labor question. APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude. APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with
another month added to his folly. ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point
holier than a bishop. If I were a jolly archbishop, On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up --
Salmon and flounders and smelts; On other days everything else. Jodo Rem ARCHITECT, n. One
who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. ARDOR, n. The quality
that distinguishes love without knowledge. ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in
which the statesman wrestles with his record. ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men.
(In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear
downy hats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts. ARMOR,
n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith. ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up
and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost. ARREST, v.t. Formally
to detain one accused of unusualness. God made the world in six days and was arrested on
the seventh. _The Unauthorized Version_ ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by
the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,"
Consenting, he did speak up; "'Tis better you should eat it, pet, Than put it in my
teacup." Joel Huck ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as
follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. One day a wag -- what would the
wretch be at? -- Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, And said it was a god's name!
Straight arose Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, And mysteries, and mummeries,
and hymns, And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) To serve his temple and maintain
the fires, Expound the law, manipulate the wires. Amazed, the populace that rites attend,
Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, And, inly edified to learn that two Half-hairs
joined so and so (as Art can do) Have sweeter values and a grace more fit Than Nature's
hairs that never have been split, Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, And sell
their garments to support the priests. ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which
women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to
fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young. ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to
ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to
commit. ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he
is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The animal
is widely and variously celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and
country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this noble vertebrate.
Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib. II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De
Temperamente_) if it is not a god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans,
and, if we may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two animals admitted
into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carried Balaam is
one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no small distinction. From what has
been written about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and magnitude,
rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which clusters about the Bible. It may
be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine. "Hail, holy
Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!"
Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is
thine!" G.J. AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a
pocket with his tongue. AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial
and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among
geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island. AVERNUS, n. The lake by which
the ancients entered the infernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions
was obtained by a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have
suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by
Lactantius to be an error. _Facilis descensus Averni,_ The poet remarks; and the sense Of
it is that when down-hill I turn I Will get more of punches than pence. Jehal Dai Lupe B
BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As Baal he was popular
with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had the honor to be served by the priest Berosus,
who wrote the famous account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his
glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word "babble." Under
whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which
are begotten of the sun's rays on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped
as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the priests of
Guttledom. BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition,
chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in
others, itself without sentiment or emotion. There have been famous babes; for example,
little Moses, from whose adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven
centuries before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being preserved on
a floating lotus leaf. Ere babes were invented The girls were contended. Now man is
tormented Until to buy babes he has squandered His money. And so I have pondered This
thing, and thought may be 'T were better that Baby The First had been eagled or condored.
Ro Amil BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting
drunk. Is public worship, then, a sin, That for devotions paid to Bacchus The lictors dare
to run us in, And resolutely thump and whack us? Jorace BACK, n. That part of your friend
which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity. BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a
man as you find him when he can't find you. BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook
more palatable. The best kind is beauty. BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that
he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is
performed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or
sprinkling. But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Let those
immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Version, And by matching their agues
tertian. G.J. BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
we are having. BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it
is their business to deprive others. BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent
hatched form the egg of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many
infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator saw and handled one that
had been blinded by lightning as a punishment for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank
whom Jupiter loved. Juno afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave.
Nothing is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, but the
cocks have stopped laying. BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion.
BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual
efficacy has not been determined. The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin
he hath, And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed,
Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling With dirty vapors of the boiling. Richard Gwow
BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to
the tongue. BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate the
absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head. BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a
lover and terrifies a husband. BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate. BEG, v. To ask for
something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given. Who is
that, father? A mendicant, child, Haggard, morose, and unaffable -- wild! See how he
glares through the bars of his cell! With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. Why did they
put him there, father? Because Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. His belly? Oh,
well, he was starving, my boy -- A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy. No
bite had he eaten for days, and his cry Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!"
What's the matter with pie? With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; To beg was
unlawful -- improper as well. Why didn't he work? He would even have done that, But men
said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!" I mention these
incidents merely to show That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low. Revenge, at the
best, is the act of a Siou, But for trifles -- Pray what did bad Mendicant do? Stole two
loaves of bread to replenish his lack And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. Is
that _all_ father dear? There's little to tell: They sent him to jail, and they'll send
him to -- well, The company's better than here we can boast, And there's -- Bread for the
needy, dear father? Um -- toast. Atka Mip BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance
of his friends. BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding.
The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom's translation of the
following lines from the _Dies Irae_: Recordare, Jesu pie, Quod sum causa tuae viae. Ne me
perdas illa die. Pray remember, sacred Savior, Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your
Death-blow. Pardon such behavior. BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a
deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwise known as black friars. She thought it a crow,
but it turn out to be A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. "Here's one of an order
of cooks," said she -- "Black friars in this world, fried black in the
next." "The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712) BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes
heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is
still within the means of all. BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (_Coma Berenices_)
named in honor of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. Her locks an ancient
lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon
some stars bestowed her name. But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to
save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven.
G.J. BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a
punishment called trigamy. BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an
opinion that you do not entertain. BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent. BIRTH,
n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no
uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea
was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew
up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was
derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of
a cavern in Mount Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.
BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box of berries in a
market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted
gentleman. BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most difficult kind of
English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot
acceptably write any kind. BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the
young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. The
hyena. "One night," a doctor said, "last fall, I and my comrades, four in
all, When visiting a graveyard stood Within the shadow of a wall. "While waiting for
the moon to sink We saw a wild hyena slink About a new-made grave, and then Begin to
excavate its brink! "Shocked by the horrid act, we made A sally from our ambuscade,
And, falling on the unholy beast, Dispatched him with a pick and spade." Bettel K.
Jhones BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to become
responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. Philippe of Orleans wishing to
appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what
security he would be able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I
can give you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?"
inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold." BORE, n.
A person who talks when you wish him to listen. BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables --
those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their
flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill- smelling.
BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker. BOUNDARY, n. In
political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary
rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who
has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can. A single swallow, it
is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take
to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His
creatures. Henry Ward Beecher BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by
Vishnu and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is found among the
deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin,
maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of
Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty. O Brahma, thou rare old
Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, You sit there so calm and securely, With
feet folded up so demurely -- You're the First Person Singular, surely. Polydore Smith
BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which distinguishes the man
who is content to _be_ something from the man who wishes to _do_ something. A man of great
wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of
brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our
republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
from the cares of office. BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning,
one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the- grave and four
parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be
the drink of heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it. BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine
prospect of happiness behind her. BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND. C CAABA, n. A large stone
presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The
patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread. CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden
vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius,
a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire
consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal
garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was
gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his
murmuring subjects were appeased. CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable
reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two
kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with
great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another. When Zeno was told that one of his
enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his
disciples, "you weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true,"
replied the great Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."
CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the _Splaypes
humpidorsus_) of great value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels -- the
camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited. CANNIBAL,
n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the
natural diet of the pre-pork period. CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the
rectification of national boundaries. CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the
Court of Heaven. CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the
pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the
repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. _Capital Punishment_, a penalty
regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons -- including all the
assassins -- entertain grave misgivings. CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of
Mount Carmel. As Death was a-rising out one day, Across Mount Camel he took his way, Where
he met a mendicant monk, Some three or four quarters drunk, With a holy leer and a pious
grin, Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, Who held out his hands and cried: "Give,
give in Charity's name, I pray. Give in the name of the Church. O give, Give that her holy
sons may live!" And Death replied, Smiling long and wide: "I'll give, holy
father, I'll give thee -- a ride." With a rattle and bang Of his bones, he sprang
From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear; By the neck and the foot Seized the fellow,
and put Him astride with his face to the rear. The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that
fell Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell: "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they
say, Will ride to the devil!" -- and _thump_ Fell the flat of his dart on the rump Of
the charger, which galloped away. Faster and faster and faster it flew, Till the rocks and
the flocks and the trees that grew By the road were dim and blended and blue To the wild,
wild eyes Of the rider -- in size Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. Death laughed
again, as a tomb might laugh At a burial service spoiled, And the mourners' intentions
foiled By the body erecting Its head and objecting To further proceedings in its behalf.
Many a year and many a day Have passed since these events away. The monk has long been a
dusty corse, And Death has never recovered his horse. For the friar got hold of its tail,
And steered it within the pale Of the monastery gray, Where the beast was stabled and fed
With barley and oil and bread Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, And so in due
course was appointed Prior. G.J. CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring
the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a
famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was
pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be
improved, however, thus: _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ -- "I think that I think,
therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher
has yet made. CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked
when things go wrong in the domestic circle. This is a dog, This is a cat. This is a frog,
This is a rat. Run, dog, mew, cat. Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. Elevenson CAVILER, n. A critic
of our own work. CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets
write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will
serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games: His virtues were so
conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to
whose loose lives they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here
commemorated by his family, who shared them. In the earth we here prepare a Place to lay
our little Clara. Thomas M. and Mary Frazer P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her. CENTAUR, n.
One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a
pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man
his own horse." The best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the
horse added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John the Baptist on a
charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated sacred history. CERBERUS, n.
The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance -- against whom or what
does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to
carry off the entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the poets
have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor Graybill, whose clerky erudition
and profound knowledge of Greek give his opinion great weight, has averaged all the
estimates, and makes the number twenty-seven -- a judgment that would be entirely
conclusive is Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, and (b) something
about arithmetic. CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy
of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from
the remorse of age. CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the
teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. I dreamed I
stood upon a hill, and, lo! The godly multitudes walked to and fro Beneath, in Sabbath
garments fitly clad, With pious mien, appropriately sad, While all the church bells made a
solemn din -- A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. Then saw I gazing thoughtfully
below, With tranquil face, upon that holy show A tall, spare figure in a robe of white,
Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. "God keep you, strange," I exclaimed.
"You are No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; And yet I entertain the hope that
you, Like these good people, are a Christian too." He raised his eyes and with a look
so stern It made me with a thousand blushes burn Replied -- his manner with disdain was
spiced: "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ." G.J. CIRCUS, n. A place
where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the
fool. CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which
is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead. CLARIONET, n. An instrument of
torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are
worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets. CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the
management of our spiritual affairs as a method of better his temporal ones. CLIO, n. One
of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over history -- which she did with great
dignity, many of the prominent citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the
meetings being addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers. CLOCK,
n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding
him what a lot of time remains to him. A busy man complained one day: "I get no
time!" "What's that you say?" Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; "You
have, sir, all the time there is. There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it -- We're
never for an hour without it." Purzil Crofe CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of
keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain. "Close-fisted
Scotchman!" Johnson cried To thrifty J. Macpherson; "See me -- I'm ready to
divide With any worthy person." Sad Jamie: "That is very true -- The boast
requires no backing; And all are worthy, sir, to you, Who have what you are lacking."
Anita M. Bobe COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of
wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples. O
Coenobite, O coenobite, Monastical gregarian, You differ from the anchorite, That
solitudinarian: With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; With dropping shots he makes him
sick. Quincy Giles COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's
uneasiness. COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but
do not equal, our own. COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the
goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of
political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient. This commonwealth's
capitol's corridors view, So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew Of clerks, pages,
porters and all attaches Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays That a cat cannot slip
through the thicket of shins Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. On
clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, Misfortune attend and disaster befall! May life
be to them a succession of hurts; May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; May aches
and diseases encamp in their bones, Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; May
microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest, And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; May
corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, And frequent impalement their pleasure
impair. Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse Of audible sofas sepulchrally
hoarse, By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors -- The mattress that kicks and the pillow
that snores! Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! Your criminal ranks may the death angel
thin, Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. K.Q. COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment
of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got
what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.
COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power. CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller
evil than sympathy. CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B,
confided by _him_ to C. CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy. CONGRESS, n. A body of
men who meet to repeal laws. CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about
something and nothing about anything else. An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a
railway collision, some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac,
1873," he murmured and died. CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing
evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself. CONSUL,
n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure and office from the people
is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. CONSULT, v.i.
To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on. CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of
a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed. CONTROVERSY, n. A
battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate
bayonet. In controversy with the facile tongue -- That bloodless warfare of the old and
young -- So seek your adversary to engage That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, And,
like a snake that's fastened to the ground, With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound.
You ask me how this miracle is done? Adopt his own opinions, one by one, And taunt him to
refute them; in his wrath He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. Advance then gently
all you wish to prove, Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've So well
remarked," or, "As you wisely say, And I cannot dispute," or, "By the
way, This view of it which, better far expressed, Runs through your argument." Then
leave the rest To him, secure that he'll perform his trust And prove your views
intelligent and just. Conmore Apel Brune CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who
wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness. CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the
display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the
arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. CORONATION, n. The ceremony
of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be
blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the
military ladder. Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, Our corporal heroically fell!
Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl And said: "He hadn't very far to
fall." Giacomo Smith CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual
profit without individual responsibility. CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas. COURT
FOOL, n. The plaintiff. COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.
In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably figured and symbolized; for
whereas the crayfish doth move only backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing
naught but the perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to avoid
the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend their nature afterward. Sir James
Merivale CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and
dreaded for their desolating incursions. CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in
Connecticut. CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to
please him. There is a land of pure delight, Beyond the Jordan's flood, Where saints,
apparelled all in white, Fling back the critic's mud. And as he legs it through the skies,
His pelt a sable hue, He sorrows sore to recognize The missiles that he threw. Orrin Goof
CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its significance to the
most solemn event in the history of Christianity, but really antedating it by thousands of
years. By many it has been believed to be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient
phallic worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, to the rites
of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as a symbol of chastity, and the Red
Cross as a badge of benevolent neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend
Father Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following: "Be good, be
good!" the sisterhood Cry out in holy chorus, And, to dissuade from sin, parade Their
various charms before us. But why, O why, has ne'er an eye Seen her of winsome manner And
youthful grace and pretty face Flaunting the White Cross banner? Now where's the need of
speech and screed To better our behaving? A simpler plan for saving man (But, first, is he
worth saving?) Is, dears, when he declines to flee From bad thoughts that beset him,
Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, And wants to sin -- don't let him. CUI BONO? [Latin]
What good would that do _me_? CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or
person from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction and great
material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier gets the skins of more
foxes than asses." CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a
barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of its deities. Of all
unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is the most reasonless and offensive. The
notion of symbolizing sexual love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of
passion to the wounds of an arrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art grossly
to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work -- this is eminently worthy of
the age that, giving it birth, laid it on the doorstep of prosperity. CURIOSITY, n. An
objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is
cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine
soul. CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This is an operation
which in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly fatal to the victim.
Nevertheless, the liability to a cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing
the rates of life insurance. CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as
they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a
cynic's eyes to improve his vision. D DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the
Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is
believed to have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of
mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion of
tumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs in combination with the word _jod_ or
_god_, meaning "joy." It would be with great diffidence that I should advance an
opinion conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities. DANCE, v.i. To
leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's
wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the
participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously
innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. DANGER, n. A savage beast which, when it
sleeps, Man girds at and despises, But takes himself away by leaps And bounds when it
arises. Ambat Delaso DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in
security. DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, whose
important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words _Datum Romae_. He enjoys a
princely revenue and the friendship of God. DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to
bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk
with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to
these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that
they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we
find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have
tried it. DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided
into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper -- the former devoted to
sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social
activity overlap. DEAD, adj. Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world; the
mad race run Though to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a hole! Squatol
Johnes DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the
misfortune to overtake it. DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the
slave- driver. As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to
find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Nor ever sees the
prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, Yet feels the
narrow limits that impound him, Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, And finds at
last he might as well have paid it. Barlow S. Vode DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments,
ten in number -- just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not
enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue,
calculated for this meridian. Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensive to have
more. No images nor idols make For Robert Ingersoll to break. Take not God's name in vain;
select A time when it will have effect. Work not on Sabbath days at all, But go to see the
teams play ball. Honor thy parents. That creates For life insurance lower rates. Kill not,
abet not those who kill; Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill. Kiss not thy neighbor's
wife, unless Thine own thy neighbor doth caress Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat. Bear not false witness -- that is low -- But "hear
'tis rumored so and so." Cover thou naught that thou hast not By hook or crook, or
somehow, got. G.J. DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences
over another set. A leaf was riven from a tree, "I mean to fall to earth," said
he. The west wind, rising, made him veer. "Eastward," said he, "I now shall
steer." The east wind rose with greater force. Said he: "'Twere wise to change
my course." With equal power they contend. He said: "My judgment I
suspend." Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, Cried: "I've decided to fall
straight." "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; Just choose
your own and we'll not quarrel. Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, You'll have no
hand in it at all. G.J. DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about
another. DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack. DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable
than one's ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it
required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war
could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of sneering at "men who live in these
degenerate days," which is perhaps why they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked
instance of returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he would
certainly have starved. DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress
from private station to political preferment. DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that
flourished when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its
name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance
to have heard it spoken or seen it printed. DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who
has been in Paris. Variously pronounced. DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article
of merchandise that comes in sets. DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to
determine which side it is buttered on. DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism
which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world. DELUSION, n. The father of a most
respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity
and many other goodly sons and daughters. All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee The
world turned topsy-turvy we should see; For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, Would
fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances. Mumfrey Mappel DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who,
putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket. DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant
upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from
his fears. DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. The deputy
is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobwebs
extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he
gives off a cloud of dust. "Chief Deputy," the Master cried, "To-day the
books are to be tried By experts and accountants who Have been commissioned to go through
Our office here, to see if we Have stolen injudiciously. Please have the proper entries
made, The proper balances displayed, Conforming to the whole amount Of cash on hand --
which they will count. I've long admired your punctual way -- Here at the break and close
of day, Confronting in your chair the crowd Of business men, whose voices loud And
gestures violent you quell By some mysterious, calm spell -- Some magic lurking in your
look That brings the noisiest to book And spreads a holy and profound Tranquillity o'er
all around. So orderly all's done that they Who came to draw remain to pay. But now the
time demands, at last, That you employ your genius vast In energies more active. Rise And
shake the lightnings from your eyes; Inspire your underlings, and fling Your spirit into
everything!" The Master's hand here dealt a whack Upon the Deputy's bent back, When
straightway to the floor there fell A shrunken globe, a rattling shell A blackened,
withered, eyeless head! The man had been a twelvemonth dead. Jamrach Holobom DESTINY, n. A
tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for failure. DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's
forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse. DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular
partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels. DIARY, n. A
daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing.
Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ All that he had of wisdom and of wit. So the
Recording Angel, when Hearst died, Erased all entries of his own and cried: "I'll
judge you by your diary." Said Hearst: "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint
the First" -- Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, That record from a pocket in
his shroud. The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, Each stupid line of which he knew
before, Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; Then
gravely closed the book and gave it back. "My friend, you've wandered from your
proper track: You'd never be content this side the tomb -- For big ideas Heaven has little
room, And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," He said, and kicked the fellow back
to earth. "The Mad Philosopher" DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers
the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy. DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary
device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This
dictionary, however, is a most useful work. DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We
seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die."
At long intervals, however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true,
for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic
economist, Senator Depew: A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch
a nibbling mie. DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is
imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr.
Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. DISABUSE, v.t. The present
your neighbor with another and better error than the one which he has deemed it
advantageous to embrace. DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or
thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. DISCUSSION, n. A method of
confirming others in their errors. DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of
servitude. DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a
command. His right to govern me is clear as day, My duty manifest to disobey; And if that
fit observance e'er I shut May I and duty be alike undone. Israfel Brown DISSEMBLE, v.i.
To put a clean shirt upon the character. Let us dissemble. Adam DISTANCE, n. The only
thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep. DISTRESS, n. A
disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. DIVINATION, n. The art of
nosing out the occult. Divination is of as many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties
of the flowering dunce and the early fool. DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary
Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being
in some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection of Woman, the
place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival -- an anachronism.
He toils not, neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat
all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means
wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant
recognition. DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal measure
that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback. DRAMATIST, n. One who
adapts plays from the French. DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic
religion which did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. Very
little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says their religion,
originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as Persia. Caesar says those who desired to
study its mysteries went to Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear
to have obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his talent for
human sacrifice was considerable. Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and
knew nothing of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They were, in
short, heathens and -- as they were once complacently catalogued by a distinguished
prelate of the Church of England -- Dissenters. DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your
restaurant during the canvas-back season. DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the
reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if
awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A
long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. That dueling's a gentlemanly vice I hold; and
wish that it had been my lot To live my life out in some favored spot -- Some country
where it is considered nice To split a rival like a fish, or slice A husband like a spud,
or with a shot Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot And ready to be put upon the ice.
Some miscreants there are, whom I do long To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim The
scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng. It
looks as if to challenge _me_ they came, Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!
Xamba Q. Dar DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The
Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the habitable
world. The secret of their power is their insensibility to blows; tickle them with a
bludgeon and they laugh with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia,
whence they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having blighted the crops.
For some centuries they infested Philistia, and many of them are called Philistines to
this day. In the turbulent times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually
overspread all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, literature,
science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the
_Mayflower_ and made a favorable report of the country, their increase by birth,
immigration, and conversion has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy
statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty
millions, including the statisticians. The intellectual centre of the race is somewhere
about Peoria, Illinois, but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral. DUTY, n.
That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire. Sir
Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. His
anger provoked him to take the king's head, But duty prevailed, and he took the king's
bread, Instead. G.J. E EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions
of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my
dinner," said Brillat- Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted
Rochebriant; "eating dinner in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe,
monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not say I was eating my
dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before." EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to
overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself. A lady with one of
her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she. "I think," said one, "and my husband
thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" As soon as no more of it she could
hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said, with a
pout, "To hear my character lied about!" Gopete Sherany ECCENTRICITY, n. A
method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.
ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow
that you cannot afford. EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a
toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. EDITOR, n.
A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is
placable with an obolus; a severely virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he
tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the
splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of
firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a
mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening
star. Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his
face suffused with the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his
tongue a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to
suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the
foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding
him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos. O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of
Thought, A gilded impostor is he. Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, His crown
is brass, Himself an ass, And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. Prankily, crankily prating of
naught, Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. Public opinion's camp-follower he,
Thundering, blundering, plundering free. Affected, Ungracious, Suspected, Mendacious,
Respected contemporaree! J.H. Bumbleshook EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise
and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. EFFECT, n. The second of two
phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is
said to generate the other -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has
never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of a
dog. EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. Megaceph,
chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate, One day with all his
credentials came To the capitol's door and announced his name. The doorkeeper looked, with
a comical twist Of the face, at the eminent egotist, And said: "Go away, for we
settle here All manner of questions, knotty and queer, And we cannot have, when the
speaker demands To be told how every member stands, A man who to all things under the sky
Assents by eternally voting 'I'." EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of
garrulity. It is also much used in cases of extreme poverty. ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys
the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice. ELECTRICITY, n. The
power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is
the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the
most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory of Dr. Franklin
is justly held in great reverence, particularly in France, where a waxen effigy of him was
recently on exhibition, bearing the following touching account of his life and services to
science: "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This illustrious savant, after
having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was
devoured by savages, of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered." Electricity
seems destined to play a most important part in the arts and industries. The question of
its economical application to some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already
proved that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more light than a
horse. ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of
humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection. The
most famous English example begins somewhat like this: The cur foretells the knell of
parting day; The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; The wise man homeward plods; I
only stay To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading
fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any
color appear white. ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients
foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and
mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth by the early Christians -- may their
souls be happy in Heaven! EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another
to the despotism of himself. He was a slave: at word he went and came; His iron collar cut
him to the bone. Then Liberty erased his owner's name, Tightened the rivets and inscribed
his own. G.J. EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it
feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal
and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and
incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a
step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his
neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a
long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the
violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_. EMOTION, n. A
prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes
accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar. END, n. The position farthest
removed on either hand from the Interlocutor. The man was perishing apace Who played the
tambourine; The seal of death was on his face -- 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean. "This
is the end," the sick man said In faint and failing tones. A moment later he was
dead, And Tambourine was Bones. Tinley Roquot ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if
you like it. Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter Enougher's as good as a feast
for the platter. Arbely C. Strunk ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads
stop short of death by injection. ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small
doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. Byron, who
recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a relapse, which carried him
off -- to Missolonghi. ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the
husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter. ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the
meanest capacity. EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military
officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower rank to whom his death
would give promotion. EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who,
holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification from
the senses. EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize
by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable
epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: We know better the needs of
ourselves than of others. To serve oneself is economy of administration. In each human
heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their
unequal activity. There are three sexes; males, females and girls. Beauty in women and
distinction in men are alike in this: they seem to be the unthinking a kind of
credibility. Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can
watch both his. EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by
death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example: Here lie the bones of
Parson Platt, Wise, pious, humble and all that, Who showed us life as all should live it;
Let that be said -- and God forgive it! ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an
empty skull. So wide his erudition's mighty span, He knew Creation's origin and plan And
only came by accident to grief -- He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. Romach
Pute ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. The ancient
philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those that the philosophers themselves
could partly understand, and _esoteric_, those that nobody could understand. It is the
latter that have most profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in
our time. ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers,
thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists. EUCHARIST, n. A sacred
feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members
of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred
thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. EULOGY, n. Praise
of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be
dead. EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as
assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors. EVERLASTING, adj.
Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence that I venture to offer this brief and
elementary definition, for I am not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a
sometime Bishop of Worcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word
"Everlasting," as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_. His
book was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, I
understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of the soul. EXCEPTION, n. A
thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man,
a truthful woman, etc. "The exception proves the rule" is an expression
constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a
thought of its absurdity. In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" means that
the exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not _confirms_ it. The malefactor
who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own
exerted an evil power which appears to be immortal. EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence
that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation. Hail, high Excess --
especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bend the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto
me -- My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. Precept on precept, aye, and line on
line, Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason as thy touch, exact and free,
Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, With the hot
grape I warm no more my wit; When on thy stool of penitence I sit I'm quite converted, for
I can't get up. Ungrateful he who afterward would falter To make new sacrifices at thine
altar! EXCOMMUNICATION, n. This "excommunication" is a word In speech
ecclesiastical oft heard, And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, Some sinner
whose opinions are a scandal -- A rite permitting Satan to enslave him Forever, and
forbidding Christ to save him. Gat Huckle EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government,
whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the
judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect. Following
is an extract from an old book entitled, _The Lunarian Astonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co.,
Boston, 1803: LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes directly to the
Supreme Court in order that it may at once be known whether it is constitutional?
TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the Supreme Court until having
perhaps been enforced for many years somebody objects to its operation against himself --
I mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to execute it at once.
LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. Do your policemen also
have to approve the local ordinances that they enforce? TERRESTRIAN: Not yet -- at least
not in their character of constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the
approval of those whom they are intended to restrain. LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant
is not valid until signed by the murderer. TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too
strongly; we are not so consistent. LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive
judicial machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they have long been
executed, and then only when brought before the court by some private person -- does it
not cause great confusion? TERRESTRIAN: It does. LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws,
previously to being executed, be validated, not by the signature of your President, but by
that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court? TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any
such course. LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that? TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five
hundred lawyers in three volumes each. So how can any one know? Part II
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